Sunday - Love
3:18 PM | 
Posted by
Pixie's Mommy
Learning to love yourself isn't easy -- especially if you're a survivor of childhood abuse or neglect. But there are things you can do to boost your self-love.
Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves. So -- ask other people to tell you all the things they like about you. Ask a friend, a lover, a therapist. This isn't a replacement for your own love; it's a first step in learning to love yourself. You may need to hear the things other people like about you before you can value them in youself.
If hearing what people like about you is hard, ask your friends to write it down for you, or leave it on your voice mail, so you can read/listen to it over and over. Go back to it as many times as you can. Even if you don't believe that someone can like a particular thing about you, or you don't believe it exists, trust that your friend does see it and value it.
When you start to hear critical voices inside your head, go back to those things your friend said/wrote about you, and remember that you are loved.
Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn't help you here; neither do old critical messages. If you're having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think about the things you value and love in your friends, then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most often, they do.
Fill a special notebook with your list, or create a set of cards. Make the notebook as beautiful as you can -- make it something that makes you feel good when you look at it. Then open it up and look at it any time you're feeling down or critical about yourself, or any time anyone says anything that triggers your criticalness of yourself.
Look at this good-things-about-yourself book as frequently as you can. It may seem silly, but repetition really does make a difference. (Just think of the impact one critical phrase said by a parent over and over to a child can have. It really does have an effect! Now try to give that child inside you at least one truly loving phrase about yourself that s/he can hold on to.)
In this society, we're taught that praising ourselves is selfish and wrong. But praising ourselves for things that are good about ourselves only helps us. It is a healing thing to do, something that nourishes our self-worth. When we love ourselves, we're happier and more true to our own selves...and that happiness and ability to be free spreads to others.
So...try to think of something that you like about yourself, or something that you did today that made you or someone else feel good -- no matter how small it may seem. Give yourself the kind of warm praise that you would a friend.
Close your eyes and think of a person you deeply love and trust, and who you know loves you-- a friend, a lover. Think about all the things you love and appreciate about them. Notice how that love feels inside you, how it makes you feel good.
Now turn it around the other way -- be your friend, feeling that same deep love for you. Trust in their love for you, and just feel it. Let yourself see your self through gentle eyes, with compassion and love the way your friend does, even if you can only do it for a moment. Now let yourself receive that love, the love you have as a friend to yourself. Feel the warmth move through you. Remember how it feels, and come back to that love another time.
Every time someone tells you something about yourself that makes you feel good, write it down or make a mental note and jot it down later. When you get home, put that note in a container of "good things about me." Decorate the container however you like. Keep on adding notes, and read them over every time you need a little boost -- and even when you don't feel like you do.
If you're feeling really judgemental about something you've done or said, try to understand where the judgement is coming from. Not the immediate, surface answer, but an answer deep down inside you. Are you afraid of something, or are you feeling insecure? Do you think you did something "wrong," or are you hearing the judgement of a voice from your past? Try to connect to that little kid inside of you who's feeling that way, and really listen to how s/he's feeling. Hug and reassure that kid, and let her/him know that s/he didn't do anything wrong, and that you love her/him.
You can also think of a friend having acted as you did. Imagine how you'd feel towards them -- how you'd still love them and readily forgive them if there was anything to forgive. You probably wouldn't even find it bothersome! Try to feel that same love and compassion for yourself.
If you're a survivor of child abuse or come from a dysfunctional family, you may still be waiting for a parent to give you the love and acceptance you never got as a child. But the kind of love you need (or needed as a child) probably isn't going to come from a parent who abused you or who looked the other way while you were being abused. But it can come from yourself.
It can be hard to give it to yourself at first -- after all, if you didn't receive love as a child, or if some of that love was torn away from you by violence, self-hate may have built up inside you. But you have the courage and strength to love yourself, if you've survived this long. And you do deserve it!
So try to connect to that little child inside, that child who deserves all of your love and acceptance.
I know, I know, this sounds corny. But if you hear good things about yourself over and over, you can't help but have some of it sink in.
Write out strong, loving things to say to yourself, even if you don't fully believe them. Some examples are:
- "I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness,"
- "I am a very loveable person,"
- "I am kind, compassionate, intelligent, and wise." (or subsitute the words for loving words that you feel best suit you.
Now put up those affirmations in places you'll see them every day -- on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on your bedside table, next to your favourite chair, on the kitchen wall next to where you cook your food or eat a meal. Don't forget to read them.
If you're not comfortable having them up in such public places, then write out a bunch of them (or copies of a few) and put them in places you'll find them -- in your jacket or jeans pocket, in a book you're reading or a favourite book, in your desk drawer, in with your clothes. They're little love notes to yourself. In fact, you may want to do both things -- have them up and also hidden in places where you'll find them.
When you read an affirmation, read it slowly, and really let yourself feel it. Don't just say it by rote. Try to let yourself be there as fully as you can.
It's easy to let old, critical voices and messages that we heard as a child play over and over in our minds, without stopping them. Often we may barely recognize that they are there, or we don't really listen to them, we've heard them so often -- but they continue to impact how we feel and think about ourselves.
Try noticing next time you hear a small (or very loud) voice inside your head criticize you. Be aware of what it is saying to you, and try to talk to it. Ask it why it feels it needs to say those things. Is that part of you trying to protect you, in some child-like logic? Or perhaps that part of you felt it had to take on the messages you heard as a kid. Remind that part of you that you no longer need to do that to survive. You are free to make up your own mind about yourself.
Write down all the negative or critical thoughts and messages you hear inside your head. See if you can figure out who first said them to you (or said something of that nature). Then write out a response that counteracts each of those messages, one by one. Make the counter messages as strong and loving as you can.
If you're having trouble writing out counter messages, see if you can connect to a deep, wise part inside of you. Or write out what you would say to a friend if a friend said those things about her/himself.
Allow yourself to do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Let yourself feel how good you feel when you do those things -- and tell yourself that you deserve to feel that way, to feel good. Gradually you'll find that the more nurturing and comforting times you have, the more you'll seek them out -- and they will help build a good feeling inside you.
Some of these things will work really well for you, while others may not quite fit you. So try taking a moment to get quiet, and ask yourself, "What can I do to help myself feel more compassion and love toward myself?" Don't force an answer -- just let the answer bubble up from inside you. If you find it hard to hear the answer that way, try writing out your question, and then your answer. See what you come up with. You know best what works for you -- and you have great wisdom inside you.
Above all -- have compassion for yourself and for where you're at. Remember that you are a truly loveable person -- and that you deserve only kind treatment, especially from yourself. :)
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Friday - Peace
Finding Inner Peace
First Wwe need a definition of Inner Peace--
Inner peace (or peace of mind) refers to a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress.
Now that Wwe have the definition perhaps Wwe need to know WHY inner peace is needed in life.
Here are 20 Reasons Why you Need Inner Peace
1. It improves your ability to concentrate.
2. It improves your ability to handle efficiently the daily affairs of life.
3. It increases your inner strength and power.
4. Its possession eliminates impatience, anger, nervousness and restlessness.
5. It helps manifesting patience, tolerance and tact.
6. It makes you feel centered, grounded and stable.
7. Being mentally and emotionally calm contributes to enjoying better sleep.
8. You gain the ability to be emotionally and mentally unaffected by what people think or say about you.
9. You gain the ability to eliminate stress, anxieties and worries.
10. You enjoy happiness and bliss.
11. You gain self mastery and self discipline.
12. It helps you relax your body and nerves.
13. The healing energies of the body work unhindered.
14. Being peaceful enables you not to be swayed by events, hardships and difficulties, and to maintain inner poise, clear judgment and common sense in such situations.
15. Inner peace eliminates negative, futile and restless thinking.
16. It improves your relationships with other people.
17. It makes life look brighter.
18. It increases creativity.
19. A peaceful mind improves the ability to meditate.
20. Possessing this ability opens the gateway to enlightenment and spiritual awakening.
Ok, so now that we have that covered, we need to start getting down and dirty and involved in obtaining Inner Peace. While shaia realizes that there are many ways to go about this and that maybe her readers have inner peace, it might be good to take a refresher course just in time for spring!
Inner peace is the most valuable thing that we can cultivate. Nobody can give us inner peace; at the same time it is only our own thoughts that can rob us of our inner peace. To experience inner peace we don't have to retreat to Himalayan cave; we can experience inner peace right now, exactly where we are. The most important criteria are to value the importance of inner peace. If we really value inner peace, we will work hard to make it a reality.
Finding Inner Peace in 10 Ways
Accept what is
There is only so much we can affect. What we cannot change, what we cannot influence no matter what, should not be a concern to us. This is what shaia notices with so many people, in that we focus and linger on things which we have no control over. Why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change? Why care about what other people think of us when we're not even sure what it is they are actually thinking? Once you open the blinds to this fact, and start accepting what is that you cannot change, you automatically relieve yourself of a mountain of stress and anxiety. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Taking this path is following a road towards peace.
Meditate
If you do not meditate yet, you are missing out on a very important activity that can change your life. Meditating for 20 minutes daily can have an enormous impact in all areas of your life. Take a look at this page shaia wrote 100 Benefits of Meditation. If that doesn't convince you to start meditating, shaia doesn't know what will! If you have a lot on your mind and you feel like your thoughts are driving you crazy, meditation can help you find peace. Simply close everything, sit back, close your eyes, and clear your mind of every single thought. Focus on the emptiness. You will be surprised what a mere 20 minutes of meditation can do to turn things around for you. If you have trouble meditating, shaia would suggest getting a professional guided meditation CD, which will help you get used to this level of peacefulness.
Spend time in nature
We spend so much time confined in buildings of steel and concrete and bricks that we quickly forget where we come from. It is natural for us to be in nature, and this is why it feels so good and it is so peaceful when you take a walk in a park or bike on a trail in the forest. As she is typing this blog, she is looking out the window to this gigantic tree in back of the apartment. Watching its stillness, with the wind blowing through its branches calmly, it is a sight that not only inspires me, but that she finds peace within it. shaia hasn't blogged before about how she enjoys hiking and one of the reasons is that it brings me closer to nature. It is something you just can't experience in a car. If you feel overwhelmed, take a stroll outside where there are tons of trees and far from the city. Be there and just enjoy the sights, the sounds, and the peace.
Learn the power of a smile
Whenever you are laughing or smiling, something interesting happens. Not only does something happen on a chemical level to make you feel better, but it also stops all stress and negativity from entering your psyche. A simple smile can make such a difference. For example, the other day shaia mishandled a dish and it fell on the floor, breaking into pieces, creating a big mess. Now, shaia could have been angry with herself for being clumsy and thinking "here's another reason shaia's life sucks!" But she did the opposite. shaia began to smile and kind of make fun of herself for not being able to hold on to that plate properly. As she cleaned up the mess, there was no bitterness or anger. As a matter of fact, she did it with a smile on her face…she does it with peace. So whenever you find yourself in a similar predicament, just think of the silver lining, and don't be shy to poke fun at yourself. You will quickly realize that peace finds its way much more easily to you when you smile.
Think outwardly
What shaia means by this is that most of the time, we are so consumed within our own problems that we can no longer see the forest from the trees. Therefore, it helps to remind ourselves how big the world is. Take a moment and read up about some other countries, cultures, and the likes. Be aware that the world does not revolve around your problems. shaia finds that when she hears about a tsunami or an earthquake killing hundreds of thousands of people on the other side of the world, her problems aren't really "problems". Looking beyond ourselves is very important in finding peace and it leads shaia to her next point.
Care about others
You will never find peace by being self-consumed and only worrying about your own needs and wants. When you begin to genuinely care about other people, so much goodness comes right out. This only helps into solidifying your inner peace. It can be people close to you or pure strangers, but any act of kindness and goodwill eases your way towards peace. When shaia helps other people, she stops focusing on her so-called problems and realize that her life isn't so bad after all. This rids my entire being of all the stress and feelings of overwhelm. There is great peace and wisdom in thinking and caring about other people, which we are blind to when we are too deep within our own selfish ways.
Never lose hope
Hope is something you can never afford to lose. With hope you always have a path towards peace. Whenever we get too stressed out and overwhelmed within our own life, we forget that hope. We forget that the sun always shines after a rainy day, and that this is merely a bump in the road. shaia finds immense peace in just knowing, deep within her heart, that everything will be ok. With hope, shaia knows that whatever is seemingly terrible is only temporary and that soon enough, things will be just fine. This lifts off all of that negativity from her entire being, and she feels better pretty much instantly.
Embrace your beliefs
shaia is not one to pick or favor one belief system over another, so whatever it is that you believe in, embrace it with your entire being. Be within your faith 100% and peace will find its way into your heart. Now, we may all disagree on each other's beliefs but one thing we must all agree on is that having a solid, healthy faith is crucial in founding a proper conscience that helps into guiding us towards peace and wisdom. There is a reason why research has shown that people that are deeply devoted to their faith have a higher life expectancy and are less likely to have diseases such as cancer. This is because they experience more inner peace, which is important if you want to increase the quality of your life.
Keep learning
One thing that provides us with much stress in life is the fact that we always worry about not having all the answers. Just accepting that you do not know everything and that you are open to always keep learning is a tremendous step to take towards achieving inner peace. shaia finds great joy in learning all kinds of different things, and just being aware that shaia is growing as a person each and every day provides me with great feelings of peace. Accept that life is one big journey of never-ending learning and you will find yourself closer to experiencing true peace within yourself.
Live in the present moment
Most of the time, what we worry about is relating to something either in the past, or something that hasn't happened. Living in the present moment erases all such thoughts. Why worry about something in the past that we cannot ever change? (see point #1, accept what is). Why worry about something that we are not even sure will happen or not? This is why in the present moment, you find true inner peace. In the present moment, there are no problems and no concerns. There is only stillness, and it is within that stillness that you can uncover peace. shaia used to be such a person that worried all the time, to the point where she had trouble sleeping. Once shaia learned to live in the present moment, she stopped thinking about the past and any potential future, and just worried about being ever-present in each and every moment. shaia's life is definitely more peaceful since then!
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