Sunday - Love
3:18 PM | 
Posted by
Pixie's Mommy
Learning to love yourself isn't easy -- especially if you're a survivor of childhood abuse or neglect. But there are things you can do to boost your self-love.
Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves. So -- ask other people to tell you all the things they like about you. Ask a friend, a lover, a therapist. This isn't a replacement for your own love; it's a first step in learning to love yourself. You may need to hear the things other people like about you before you can value them in youself.
If hearing what people like about you is hard, ask your friends to write it down for you, or leave it on your voice mail, so you can read/listen to it over and over. Go back to it as many times as you can. Even if you don't believe that someone can like a particular thing about you, or you don't believe it exists, trust that your friend does see it and value it.
When you start to hear critical voices inside your head, go back to those things your friend said/wrote about you, and remember that you are loved.
Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn't help you here; neither do old critical messages. If you're having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think about the things you value and love in your friends, then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most often, they do.
Fill a special notebook with your list, or create a set of cards. Make the notebook as beautiful as you can -- make it something that makes you feel good when you look at it. Then open it up and look at it any time you're feeling down or critical about yourself, or any time anyone says anything that triggers your criticalness of yourself.
Look at this good-things-about-yourself book as frequently as you can. It may seem silly, but repetition really does make a difference. (Just think of the impact one critical phrase said by a parent over and over to a child can have. It really does have an effect! Now try to give that child inside you at least one truly loving phrase about yourself that s/he can hold on to.)
In this society, we're taught that praising ourselves is selfish and wrong. But praising ourselves for things that are good about ourselves only helps us. It is a healing thing to do, something that nourishes our self-worth. When we love ourselves, we're happier and more true to our own selves...and that happiness and ability to be free spreads to others.
So...try to think of something that you like about yourself, or something that you did today that made you or someone else feel good -- no matter how small it may seem. Give yourself the kind of warm praise that you would a friend.
Close your eyes and think of a person you deeply love and trust, and who you know loves you-- a friend, a lover. Think about all the things you love and appreciate about them. Notice how that love feels inside you, how it makes you feel good.
Now turn it around the other way -- be your friend, feeling that same deep love for you. Trust in their love for you, and just feel it. Let yourself see your self through gentle eyes, with compassion and love the way your friend does, even if you can only do it for a moment. Now let yourself receive that love, the love you have as a friend to yourself. Feel the warmth move through you. Remember how it feels, and come back to that love another time.
Every time someone tells you something about yourself that makes you feel good, write it down or make a mental note and jot it down later. When you get home, put that note in a container of "good things about me." Decorate the container however you like. Keep on adding notes, and read them over every time you need a little boost -- and even when you don't feel like you do.
If you're feeling really judgemental about something you've done or said, try to understand where the judgement is coming from. Not the immediate, surface answer, but an answer deep down inside you. Are you afraid of something, or are you feeling insecure? Do you think you did something "wrong," or are you hearing the judgement of a voice from your past? Try to connect to that little kid inside of you who's feeling that way, and really listen to how s/he's feeling. Hug and reassure that kid, and let her/him know that s/he didn't do anything wrong, and that you love her/him.
You can also think of a friend having acted as you did. Imagine how you'd feel towards them -- how you'd still love them and readily forgive them if there was anything to forgive. You probably wouldn't even find it bothersome! Try to feel that same love and compassion for yourself.
If you're a survivor of child abuse or come from a dysfunctional family, you may still be waiting for a parent to give you the love and acceptance you never got as a child. But the kind of love you need (or needed as a child) probably isn't going to come from a parent who abused you or who looked the other way while you were being abused. But it can come from yourself.
It can be hard to give it to yourself at first -- after all, if you didn't receive love as a child, or if some of that love was torn away from you by violence, self-hate may have built up inside you. But you have the courage and strength to love yourself, if you've survived this long. And you do deserve it!
So try to connect to that little child inside, that child who deserves all of your love and acceptance.
I know, I know, this sounds corny. But if you hear good things about yourself over and over, you can't help but have some of it sink in.
Write out strong, loving things to say to yourself, even if you don't fully believe them. Some examples are:
- "I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness,"
- "I am a very loveable person,"
- "I am kind, compassionate, intelligent, and wise." (or subsitute the words for loving words that you feel best suit you.
Now put up those affirmations in places you'll see them every day -- on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on your bedside table, next to your favourite chair, on the kitchen wall next to where you cook your food or eat a meal. Don't forget to read them.
If you're not comfortable having them up in such public places, then write out a bunch of them (or copies of a few) and put them in places you'll find them -- in your jacket or jeans pocket, in a book you're reading or a favourite book, in your desk drawer, in with your clothes. They're little love notes to yourself. In fact, you may want to do both things -- have them up and also hidden in places where you'll find them.
When you read an affirmation, read it slowly, and really let yourself feel it. Don't just say it by rote. Try to let yourself be there as fully as you can.
It's easy to let old, critical voices and messages that we heard as a child play over and over in our minds, without stopping them. Often we may barely recognize that they are there, or we don't really listen to them, we've heard them so often -- but they continue to impact how we feel and think about ourselves.
Try noticing next time you hear a small (or very loud) voice inside your head criticize you. Be aware of what it is saying to you, and try to talk to it. Ask it why it feels it needs to say those things. Is that part of you trying to protect you, in some child-like logic? Or perhaps that part of you felt it had to take on the messages you heard as a kid. Remind that part of you that you no longer need to do that to survive. You are free to make up your own mind about yourself.
Write down all the negative or critical thoughts and messages you hear inside your head. See if you can figure out who first said them to you (or said something of that nature). Then write out a response that counteracts each of those messages, one by one. Make the counter messages as strong and loving as you can.
If you're having trouble writing out counter messages, see if you can connect to a deep, wise part inside of you. Or write out what you would say to a friend if a friend said those things about her/himself.
Allow yourself to do comforting and nurturing things for yourself. Let yourself feel how good you feel when you do those things -- and tell yourself that you deserve to feel that way, to feel good. Gradually you'll find that the more nurturing and comforting times you have, the more you'll seek them out -- and they will help build a good feeling inside you.
Some of these things will work really well for you, while others may not quite fit you. So try taking a moment to get quiet, and ask yourself, "What can I do to help myself feel more compassion and love toward myself?" Don't force an answer -- just let the answer bubble up from inside you. If you find it hard to hear the answer that way, try writing out your question, and then your answer. See what you come up with. You know best what works for you -- and you have great wisdom inside you.
Above all -- have compassion for yourself and for where you're at. Remember that you are a truly loveable person -- and that you deserve only kind treatment, especially from yourself. :)
Labels:
101 Romantic Things to do With Your Loved One
1. Watch the sunset together.
2. Take showers together.
3. Back rubs/massages.
4. Listen to classical music and cuddle in the dark or with blacklight.
5. French Kiss.
6. Hold your wife with hands inside the back of her shirt.
7. Whisper to each other.
8. Cook for each other.
9. Skinny dip (discreetly).
10. Make out in the rain.
11. Dress each other.
12. Undress each other.
13. Kiss every part of your wife's body.
14. Hold hands.
15. Sleep together. (Actually sleep with each other...not sex.)
16. One word...Foreplay.
17. Sit and talk.
18. Buy gifts for each other.
19. Roses.
20. Wear your lifemate's favorite cologne/perfume every time you're together.
21. Wear your husband's clothes.
22. Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the stars.
23. Incense/candles/oils/blacklights and music make for great cuddling/sex.
24. Kiss at every chance you get.
25. Don't wear underwear and let them find out.
26. Kinky is bad...Blindfolds are good.
27. Lightly kiss their collarbone and their jawbone just below the ear, and then whisper "I love you".
28. Bubble baths.
29. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
30. Make love.
31. Write poetry for each other.
32. Kiss and smell your wife's hair.
33. Hugs are the universal medicine.
34. Say "I love you", only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
35. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry, etc.
36. Tell your wife that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie.
37. Spend every second possible together.
38. Tell your wife that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. And mean it.
39. Look into each other's eyes.
40. Very lightly push up your wife's chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
41. Talk to each other using only body language and your eyes.
42. When in public, flirt with each other.
43. Walk behind your wife and put your hands in her front pockets.
44. Put love notes in your lifemate's pockets when they aren't looking.
45. Clothes are no fun.
46. Buy your wife a ring.
47. Keep something special of your wife's/your husband's somewhere where you see it everyday.
48. Sing to each other.
49. Read to each other.
50. PDA = Public Displays of Affection.
51. Take advantage of any time alone together.
52. Tell your wife about how you answered every question in math with her name. (Assuming you're continuing your education).
53. Draw. (If you can.)
54. Let your wife sit on your lap.
55. Go hiking and camp out together in the woods or on a mountain.
56. Lips were made for kissing. So were eyes, and fingers, and cheeks, and collarbones, and hands, and ears.
57. Kiss your wife's stomach.
58. Always hold your wife around her hips/sides.
59. Husbands like half-shirts.
60. Take your wife to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
61. Spaghetti...(Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
62. Hold your wife's hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.
63. Unless you can feel their heart beating, you aren't close enough.
64. Dance together.
65. Sit in front of a roaring fire and make out/make love.
66. Tell your lifemate you love the way they look right after they've fallen asleep, with their head in your lap.
67. Carry your wife to bed.
68. Waterbeds are fun.
69. You figure it out.
70. Do cute things like write "I love you" in a note so that they have to look in the mirror to read it.
71. Break every one of your 'safe' relationship rules for your lifemate.
72. Make excuses to call your lifemate repeatedly in one day.
73. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say "I love you".
74. Call from your business trip to tell your lifemate you were thing about them.
75. Remember your dreams and tell your lifemate about them.
76. Drive home from work just to see your lifemate, before turning around and going back to a business meeting in the evening.
77. Sit in your car in the driveway, honk, then blow your lifemate a kiss as you leave for work.
78. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
79. Share your deepest convictions.
80. Be Prince/Princess Charming to your lifemate's parents.
81. Act out mutual fantasies together. (Not necessarily sexual)
82. Brush your wife's hair out of her face for her.
83. Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to be sweet to your lifemate.
84. Hang out with your lifemate's friends, too.
85. Learn to listen.
86. Take your wife to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
87. Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear night.
88. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistakes twice.
89. Everyone deserves a second chance.
90. Describe the joy you feel just to be with your lifemate.
91. Make sacrifices for each other.
92. Really love each other.
93. Write a fictional story about how you met/fell in love, etc. and give it to your lifemate.
94. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
95. Hot tubs are great.
96. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages, including sign language.
97. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
98. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
99. Sleep naked together.
100. Stand up for your lifemate when someone says unkind things about them.
101. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."
102. Groom your spouse. Ask to brush your wife's hair when she gets out of the shower. Shave your husband's face.
103. A Short Story - You know the guys that go around in restaurants and bars with the basket of roses selling them? My husband sought him out one evening before coming home from work, bought the entire basket of roses, and left them on my doorstep, then called me and told me to go to the front door! That was so romantic!
104. Be waiting at your mates car when they get off work, out of the beauty salon, get done grocery shopping...be creative!
105. Buy 11 real roses and one fake one…leave a note that says I'll love you until the last rose dies… -Mark Ansley
106. Kiss your mate on their forehead.
107. While your lifemate is out. Put a bag of Hershey hugs on the door knob. Put rose peddles mixed with Hershey kisses on the floor leading to the bathroom with lights off. Candles for your light lined up all the way to the bathroom also. Two dozen roses lined all over the bathtub. With a card in plain view. And on the card write " Now that I have hugged u before u walked in the door, kissed the ground that you walk on, and showered you with roses. Will you be mine 4-ever." - Joseph Wade Stepp
108. We know people in the military so for anyone that has a long distant relationship with their spouse. They can create a jewelry box, you can buy all you need at an inexpensive gift shop store, and decorate it with the things she likes to send you in her letter or emails, for example hearts and stars and stick them all over the box. Then inside the box you can write a thought for every day of what you remember as your great memories with her in your relationship, or things you like about her, reasons why you fell in love with her or even things you want to plan with her for the future. Then tell her when she receives this magic box that when ever she feels lonely like me when I am not with her or thinks of what I am thinking about throughout the day, she can open the box and be reminded that she is all I am thinking about.
109. Take a latex balloon (not inflated) and fill it with some confetti, a love note to your lifemate and a photo of yourself. Take the balloon to a balloon shop and have them fill it with helium while the items are still in the balloon. Attach a pin and a note that says; "Please pop" to the balloon string. Leave the balloon by your lifemate's bedside before he/she wakes up in the morning. My husband really enjoyed this romantic action.
110. Post a Lovenote to her, even if she is with you, using her office/house address or care off her friend's postal address.
111. Softly and lightly blow on the back of your spouse's neck.
112. You always get red roses from the one you love but take it a step further forget the roses and pick a different flower that reminds you of her. write on a card or tell her in person why they remind you of her e.g. I bought these Lilies because they are the most elegant flower and you are the most elegant woman I know. etc and make sure its a really big bunch not just 1 like you do with a rose.
113. Love her or his parents. - Aish
114. Paint your wife's toenails. - Saunja
115. Wake your wife up with a gentle kiss on the lips- Mpumi Mhlontlo
116. Nothing is more precious than a Kiss on the forehead - Matshediso wa ga Pogisho
117. Take her out to the playground on the swings and swing together as if you were both in your teen years still. - Chris Voronin
118. When your wife has a particularly long day on her feet, get home before her and prepare a nice bath. While she soaks in the warmth of the water, sit on the edge of the tub and wash and massage her feet. - Josh Tabor
119. Watch the movie "Shakespeare in Love" together! (No babies, cell phones allowed) *or a different Romantic Movie of your choosing*
120. Play basketball with your husband.
121. Set up a tea party for "married couples only".
122. Make a bag lunch for your wife to take to work with her, include an apple with a love note :)
123. Buy your wife a lipstick color that you like.
124. Work out together-tell each other you want them around for a life time!
125. Pray together.
126. Tell your spouse what life would be like without him.
127. Call your spouse at work and tell them to leave work-you can't tell them what's wrong until you see them. Have a secret hotel suite reserved with candles, chocolates, etc...and let them know you couldn't focus at work because he/she was on your mind:)
128. Invite your husband's friends over and throw a big cookout for him/his friends -serve them all night.
129. Play playstation or xbox with your husband all night for a change!
130. Tell your wife you appreciate her having your children.
131. Buy an invitation for your spouse and decide when, where, time that you want to have an enchanting evening.
132. Travel together at the last minute-leave everything and everyone behind.
133. If your spouse is in the "dog house"-create "mock money"(dollar bills or coupons) for them to buy theirself out of the "dog house".
134. Wash the dishes for your wife.
135. Go shopping with your wife.
136. Try on new clothes that your husband wants to see you in -in the fitting rooms at the store,or mall!
137. Spend time with your husband in the garage-working on his next big project :)
138. Tell a stranger how long you have been married.
139. Call your married friends over once a month and watch each other's wedding videos, or vacation trips together!
140. Play Nintendo Wii together.
141. Plan a surprise trip for just the two of you maybe invite another couple. ie..concerts, games, plays, attractions. - KG
142. Go in the spa, listen to country music and talk together! (No fighting)
RSS Feed (xml)
